i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
His nipple licking is glorious
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