he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
