I want to have your abortion
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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