its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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