Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
ok first of all what the fuck
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
