this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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