did you get engaged???
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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