im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
