How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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