Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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