i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
