I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I need to align my fucking chakras
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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