my room smells like sperm. sweet.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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