My room smells like vodka and shame
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
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i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
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Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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