i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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