life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
