Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
