i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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