I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
