1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize