The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I take back everything I said about communal showers
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
