No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
