quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
