sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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