just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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