my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
