Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
