then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I feel like a drive thru vagina
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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