Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
