i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
