I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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