It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
