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• (443): View more from Maryland

  Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis

  (757): View more from Virginia

  your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.

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• (240): View more from Maryland

  taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard

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• (813): View more from Florida

  the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'

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• (847): View more from Illinois

  If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think

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• (513): View more from Ohio

  Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.

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• (254): View more from Texas

  Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.

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• (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.

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• (315): View more from New York

  Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry

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• (732): View more from New Jersey

  I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?

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• (651): View more from Minnesota

  Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.

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• (575): View more from New Mexico

  I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.

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• (216): View more from Ohio

  The dysfunction is strong in this one.

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• (406): View more from Montana

  My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.

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• (503): View more from Oregon

  I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE

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• (916): View more from California

  You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs

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