I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
