only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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