i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
