9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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