I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
