I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
