So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
