Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
