Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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