Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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