genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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