how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
