Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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