Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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