y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
