I need to stop coming to work sober
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Randomize
