every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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