then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
