Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
