real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Can I get my morals surgically removed?