I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT