Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
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You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
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I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*