we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."