1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
