What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
