fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
