Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
